Zoo Ming
by Susan Weber
America of China, six years after the great heave ho. Pandemic normalized by President Ho Cho Ming. Five fifteen, morning shift. ZooMing monitoring software on. Gallery view. Colleagues, amped on ginseng java, stare at home screens, ready to do battle. Herbertina, bilious per usual, is shift charge. Hup, Hup, Hup, we chirp back at roll call.
Herbertina (H): Colleagues, set your Zoo time (claps three times)… now.
Everybody clicks, shoulders squared, cheekbones lifted in salute.
H: Our mission is to sell nine thousand ZooMing subscriptions by noon. Prepare for rapid brain storm, four minutes max. Greta, count us in.
Me (G): Three. Two. One. Go.
Brian (B): Expand contact data base to homeschool managers.
H: Derailed. Eight female colleagues have nilled you for speaking first.
Brian just barely steals back the squint. Do I nill him for that? She-league cameras not detecting? Nope, that’s not it. We’re loitering on this one—good call. He-leaguers are primed to lodge revolt since yesterday’s nill feast by the shes. OK, focus. Dahlia’s weighing in.
D: Homeschool managers—ninety eight point five percent female—how ‘bout we expand to them?
Up. Up. Up… times eight. G-girls have Dahlia’s back.
H: Proud! She takes that unanimous. Plus eight points for she-league unity. Well done, colleague, great idea.
D: Thanks coach, glad to help.
What a suck up.
H: She-league up by sixteen. ZooMing go.
All: ZooMing go.
There’s Jörg in mid squirm. Nill times eight. We got him! Poor thing, such a rookie to the platform. Herbertina must need him for stats, praise Ho. He’ll be gone in three days—what the—ahhhh! My two week no-nill streak destroyed. Smirk metric blistering at five. He-leakers you can all go rot in—okay, screw that, gotta focus.
H: Greta, wanna post to nill?
Goddess bless the badassette.
Me (G): I do, yuh. I say we target homeschool data base, hubs inclusive, bar none.
B: Bar none? Hubs are full bore anti ZooM—
Nill. Nill. Nill. Nill. The fool! Contradict she-tosterones: you are doomed.
B: (morphs a frown into an an elbow cough) Em. Sorry.
Me (G): The hubs need saturation or they’ll get complacent. Studies show they claim on forty percent homeschool management while their spouses independently place hubs at three percent. Second survey says housework claims statistically analogous. Pattern supports we add the hubs.
Up. Up. Up… times seventeen! Score! He-tones sucking it big time. Unanimous nods, fourteen grins, a fake snort—Jörg, you twerp—but overall a good non-verbal. Z.M. metrics rule!
H: Proud! We add the hubs. Z.M., delete Greta five ups to zilch the smirk. Brian, mind your sag, that’s warning one. Metrics has you down by nine seven.
B: Claim one grovel.
H: That’s ask—claim grovel was version 7012.9.1
B: Ask a grovel, sure.
H: Go.
B: Pardon the sag, double meek. My kid’s new tooth had me minus three hours last night.
B-brain, did you learn nothing in remedial?
H: No forgive. Grovel zilch on kid excuse. Work that out on your off-Zoo time. Warning stands. And she-tones, gotta kill your nills—our dude’s got two more post-rem lenience days. Z.M., erase six nills off Brian.
B: Thanks!
The punk. Who’s he been texting with?
Me (G): Vote conclude rapid B.S. now at four minutes minus twenty seconds.
Early check-out wins me productivity points. Solid.
D: Weigh-in stats for brain storm session one: She-league eighty two percent. He-league eighteen.
H: Good work shes. But he-leagers, corporate wants more even participation. We value your input.
Me (G): Move we ramp to sales-ing.
B: Second the ramp!
H: Procedural. Etiquette check before we ramp. Daryl, deeper nod next time. You’re verging but not there yet.
D: (nodding) Sorry. Will do.
Sarcastic nod—really? Toadmite we will knill you.
H: Robert, eye level metric has you elevating close to roll.
R: Oh, my bad. Lowering full out.
Sure you are, toastosterone my love.
H: Greta, metrics have you totaling, but I see self grats surging at the far left lip.
Me (G): Got it. Low bow posted—make that two, semi meek. Will refrain.
She’s a genius calling me on that. Great for she-tone unity and placates he-gripes on exec neutrality.
H: Downloading homeschool managers, hubs inclusive. Sales-ing initiated. Mission nine thousand slash noon. Metrics need you raking dough so rake n bake, my homies. Prepare for countdown. Long live Ming.
All: Long live Ming. Three. Two. One. ReZooMing.
ZZZZT. Gallery view off. Spreadsheet full screen. Zoo time 0.00.01. And counting.
Public domain photo by Howard R. Hollem
